being at home is torturous. i am caught between believing what they all say and how they all treat me and also feeling above it. they say i feel sorry for myself and victimize myself and with all the pain i feel because i them, i start to beleive it. but i know better, because i know that these are all just ideas, just things that wont matter in the end. but being treated poorly and losing temper and saying things i shouldn't in return--these things do matter. i don't want it to be this way. but i have so much animosity. so much anger about the whole thing. all of the name calling, blame-gaming, de-faming, criticism and judging, i'm so tired of it. i end up doing it too. i have to defend everything i think and everything i do against an impossible enemy--my family and my home community. im not just creating this victimization. i don't need off the wall comments about the way my looks are pervieced or my values are percieved. they end up creating these worlds around me that somehow make up who i am in their eyes, based on the fact that my ideas don't coencide with theirs. in a way they are a creating a persona in me to hate. to disagree with. because there is just something about me.. that doesn't fit the average mold. because i don't like these traditions. i make them sad. i don't want to make them sad but in the end i only need to satisfy myself in knowing i made good decisions. my value system is built around what is best for people and the earth in general. worrying about getting traditionally married or having hair that is socially acceptable doesn't seem like the most important thing to me. i need to get out of here. im trying to be patient but i'm failing miserably. i make myself sick of myself. why so much anger? why so much defense? i want to be balanced, independent and never yell again. i'm never this way with other people. it's hardly ever happened.